A Shell Of A Man He Used To Be
by TheRandomOneStaringAtYou
Summary: Merlin is in a bit more of a state than the program shows. Begins at the start of Series 2. Warning: death/suicide and depressiveness in general. My second fanfic! Enjoy and please please please review! x


_Well... hello! This is my second fanfiction ever... the other one didn't go down so well as I hoped... hopefully this one will do better than one review after 100 hits! _

_So really hope you enjoy and please do review... otherwise I will be anxious. And you may also receive a virtual hug for your kindness. Constructive criticism welcomed, I am always looking for ways to improve. _

_Here we go... _

They were all worried. Well... scared was more the word.

Gaius, Gwen and Arthur had all watched as Merlin slowly sunk into himself.

It had happened very subtly at first so Gaius, the only one who knew Merlin's secret, was the only one who noticed. He sometimes became quiet, a blessing for anyone who knew Merlin. However, it worried Gaius. Merlin was meant to be a happy talkative person; a quiet Merlin was unnerving.

Then Gwen had noticed Merlin trudging along the corridors, always carrying some of Arthur's things; usually to be cleaned. But he had looked like he carried so much more on his thin shoulders. In these moods he would always pass with a smile; but it never reached his dulling eyes.

Arthur, needing someone to point out the obvious about these things, only realised the state Merlin was in when the idiot had been knocked out by a branch while riding his horse. He had picked Merlin up, intending to take him to Gaius, to find that his manservant weighed almost nothing in his arms. He was like a child He could feel Merlin's spine sticking out of his too baggy clothes and his shoulder blades so sharp they dug into Arthur's arms. It was obvious he hadn't been eating and, by the looks of the bags under his eyes, he hadn't been sleeping either. He decided to keep an eye on him.

So they watched him, never speaking of their own fears for Merlin to one another.

That was a mistake.

Merlin vaguely noticed the tension in the room every time he walked in. The only people he cared for in the whole castle were walking on eggshells around him and he didn't know why. They were distancing themselves from him and he hated it. It sent the heavy feeling in his heart even deeper.

They all watched as he became quieter, thinner and more miserable.

Then the sullen Merlin took a turn for the worse. It was around the time that the killings had happened from that giant, catlike winged creature. Arthur couldn't understand it and thought perhaps he had done something. He often found Merlin alone with tears in his eyes, once scrubbing his boots with such fierceness he thought he would rub through them. He has brought up the subject but it was very awkward; Arthur stupidly taunting him instead. Even if it had brought a reluctant smile it didn't help for long.

He decided not to do that again. Maybe he would just leave Merlin alone to deal with it.

That was a mistake.

Merlin seemed to become a little better in the next few weeks as Arthur and Gaius monitored him carefully. Gwen watched too, but from afar, too preoccupied with the tortured soul of her mistress.

Then Morgana was gone. So suddenly. They had all been shocked and it took a while for them to get over it. Coming out of his reverie, Gaius knew that what Merlin had done would torture the poor boy to no end. Arthur and Gwen noticed too, but they thought it was from guilt that he had not been able to stop Morgause.

He was very quiet. He hadn't even acknowledged Gwen as he walked out and away from the scene where Morgana had disappeared.

Arthur saw the look of horror in his eyes.

Gaius saw the way he hunched over as if he was collapsing from the inside.

They all knew they needed to speak to him. Something was wrong and it was not just the shock of losing Morgana. However, they all decided to wait for the morning.

That was a mistake.

The peaceful morning had been disrupted by fierce roars, blazing fire and stench of corpses. The dragon had been freed and Gaius had had no idea what state of mind Merlin had been in to do that.

And now Merlin had a lot of blood on his hands as dozens and dozens of Camelot's people screamed in agony as their premature deaths came from fire and claw and panic.

And each death brought another stab of pain to Merlin's heart as he found it harder to function and pretend he was ok.

They all saw the light in Merlin's eye turn to an ebbing glow, the sea of darkness fiercely washing it away.

Then Balinor had come... and gone. Arthur had been perplexed by Merlin's state at the dragon lord's passing. But Merlin had not explained.

Instead he became almost mute. He did not speak, he did not look up from the floor and he looked broken.

Then the dragon had gone along with a dozen more knights that Merlin had known and would forever carry the guilt from.

They were all too busy to see the light in Merlin's eyes completely vanish.

There was someone who looked like Merlin helping repair the city walls and helping the citizens get back on their feet.

But the Merlin they all knew and loved wasn't there anymore. He had gone to be replaced by a shell of a man. Broken and lost.

Arthur had been too busy repairing the town and being thanked for 'killing the dragon' and Merlin watched as he got the credit for his sacrifice.

Gwen was too busy mourning for Morgana and worrying about Arthur. She momentarily forgot about her best friend.

Gaius was busiest of all, running round Camelot healing what seemed to be the whole city. It was exhausting and he was barely home. He wasn't home to see Merlin's slow self destruction complete.

He was at the back of their minds.

He only returned to Arthur's when he heard the heart wrenching sobs.

As soon as he had run to the fallen figure on the ground and called his name, the boy had run off into the depths of the castle and Arthur couldn't find him anywhere.

So he found Gwen and Gaius and explained his worries.

As did Gwen.

As did Gaius.

They combined their worries and were shocked at how much of a mess Merlin was in. They hadn't realized.

So they tried in vain to find him until Arthur discovered a peasant who had seen a distraught boy running out of the castle grounds. So Arthur searched for hours, intending to help Merlin recover into the happy, bubbly friend he once was.

It was summer and he had left without water so decided to go to the nearby lake.

And that's where he found Merlin.

He was lying down on his side; one hand stretched out into the shallows of the lake as if he was holding something.

As Arthur had drawn closer he saw that the water was blood red.

That's when he stared into the dull, lifeless eyes of Merlin. His expression did not show pain.

He was finally at peace.

_Aww I feel mean now... _

_Well I hope that was ok and hopefully the right rating (not really understanding them myself)._

_AND REVIEW PLEASE (WITH A CHERRY ON TOP)! _

_:) xx_


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